And the Adventure Continues...

Carter’s Blessing

On June 16^th, Father’s Day, we blessed our baby boy! It was such a beautiful sunny day, surrounded by family and friends. It couldn’t have gone better. Here are some pictures of Carter dressed all in white – as Addi would like to call it, Carter is in his wedding outfit. J

As a journal entry for myself, I was asked after the blessing to bear my testimony (surprise, surprise for me). I won’t put it all down as I don’t want to get too churchy, but I want my kids to be able to reflect back on this day and remember some of what I expressed to the congregation. I have a true testimony that everything happens for a reason, Heavenly Father has a greater plan in store for each of us, no matter how little or small it is. It sounds weird but I believe it can even come down to needing to sneeze or saying hello to someone. These small motions may put a thought in someone’s mind which then requires them to action it or not, but there is still impact there some way or another.

During this trial, I have never asked myself the question “Why me? Why do me and my family have to go through this? It’s too much, I shouldn’t have to be going through this, I have always been healthy…” The reason I don’t ask those things is because I know there are great things in store for us. Whether it is teaching me to be a better person, to take a step back – slow down and enjoy life. Not letting the small moments in life pass me by. Ability to let others serve me, since I like serving others and have had to learn to let others help me. It may also be so I can help others in the future through their trials and have more compassion and love for them. I am not sure exactly what it is, but overall, I am grateful for this experience. I may not be grateful on a daily basis especially right after my chemo treatments but I do believe my family, friends and I are being blessed by all of this.

3rd Round of Chemo

On June 18^th, I received my 3^rd round of chemo. Everything went smoothly, my heart rate and vitals are back to normal and we used the Aloxi instead of the Emend(anti-nausa meds). Even though everything went well while sitting in the cocktail (chemo) chair this round of chemo hit me harder than the 2^nd treatment. My red blood cell counts were very low 27% (if you reach 25-26% you receive a blood transfusion) so I was anemic to begin the treatment so as you could imagine, it knocked me down pretty quick and hard. I was face down on the couch for  four days, asleep all but four-six hours a day. I hated it as I do not like to sleep my life away. I like to be able to get out of the house enjoy the sunshine, play with my kids, help others, run errands – feel like I accomplish something. I am hoping my next treatment, on July 10^th will not kick my butt as much as this treatment did but I have been told over and over again, the treatments will get hard and it will take my body longer to recover…yuck!

Unplanned Side Effect

Thursday after treatment, June 20^th, I was not feeling well. My body was exhausted, I was still sleeping a lot and then I began to receive a little bit of back pain. Come to find out I had blood in my urine and needed to start an antibiotic. At first, the doctor thought it was a kidney infection (I have never felt one of those before and my heart goes out to those who have) but after taking the antibiotic and not having any blood any longer the back pain came back in full force (pain scale from a zero to a nine within a matter of minutes) we ruled out with a urine culture it was not a kidney infection. After a CT scan and ultrasound we determined everything was normal. They don’t know what was causing the pain or the blood. The doctor told me that something’s just aren’t explainable but it is common for the neulasta shot and taxotere to have an allergic reaction and inflame the bones, so that is a possibility of what happened and the pain I felt.

I just truly hope that doesn’t happen again as I hate to take narcotics but when the pain is that severe I have no choice.

Fire Evacuation

The Friday after chemo, June 21^st, our neighborhood received orders to evacuate do to a fire in the mountain above our home. It was not a pleasant day as I wasn’t feeling well from the “not so much kidney infection” and couldn’t move easily. Luckily Justin was working from home that day and with the help of his Mom, they both got us out of the house quicker than I ever could. We stayed at Justin’s Mom’s house for the day so I could rest and then spent the night at my Dad’s. It was a nice set up for us in these conditions but nothing is like our own home and bed. We couldn’t wait to get home to know that our home was safe from smoke and any fire damage.

Family Time

My Sister, Stephanie and her family from Pennsylvania were in town for a quick summer visit to spend some time with me prior to my 4^th chemo treatment, so we decided to spend some time as siblings up in Midway, Utah. We rented a nice house and had a big slumber party. It was like to good old days when we were all young and living in our parent’s house. Not to mention all the grandkids had a blast and didn’t want to leave. I truly enjoy all the time I get with my family. There is nothing better than enjoying the grandkids and reminiscing about old times with my siblings.




Kids building another bridge in the backyard.

 




Sister's Family - The Kozels

 

Spartan Beast!

What an amazing accomplishment Justin and my Brothers (Mark, Todd and Jordan) did. They ran the Spartan Beast – 12.5 miles with 25 obstacles with little training for the event. It was so fun to get out in the sun and enjoy the day with my family. I got great pleasure watching each of them cross the finish line together as a team. It gives me so much strength knowing they set out to finish this daunting task and were able to finish it, even though at times they all wanted to quit do to the exhaustion. It gives me courage to keep going with my treatments, no matter how difficult they may become. It will all be worth it in the end. Just like the Spartan Beast finish line, I will get to celebrate my victory soon as well! I am really looking forward to August 21^st, my last chemo treatment, when I get to throw a party to celebrate with all of my family and friends. Even though the journey won’t be 100% complete, as I will have to complete radiation once a day for 5 weeks, Herceptin every 3 weeks until May 2013 and last but not least take an oral antibiotic - Tamoxifen for 5 years. But at least the most difficult treatments will be complete! I am extremely proud of Justin for being such a great example to me and for finishing the race. I love you baby!




 

 





Aston & Ryker finishing the kids Spartan race









Hair Loss, Port & 2nd Round

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote…I have lost my hair, had a port put in to my chest, and received my 2^nd chemo treatment.

The Port

After being poked and prodded during my 1^st week of chemo, I wanted very much to have the port put in as soon as possible. For those of you who might not know, due to the lymph nodes being removed during the mastectomy surgery, I am not able to use my right arm to take my vitals, draw blood or pretty much anything medically with it to help prevent Lymphedema…..so my left arm gets to take all of the beatings – blood draws, IVs, vitals, etc. and it had had enough “pin-cushion” so I decided to get the port put in a week after my first treatment. Either way, I would have had to get it so I thought sooner the better.

Getting my port was an interesting experience - it was a 90 minute outpatient surgery, but in total, it was a 5 hour appointment. For those of you who don’t know what a port is - it’s a little device that is implanted in the chest, and is connected by a soft, slim catheter tube that goes through a vein all the way to your heart. The catheter protects your vein during treatment. The port acts as an entry point for all treatments, it can be used for a blood draw, as well as infusion for all the chemo drugs. This port will help tremendously so the nurse won’t have to hunt for a good vein to use.

The surgery went well but I was not happy with the surgeon because the appearance of the incision site was hideous. First, the incision was made on an angle instead of being straight. Second, the dermabond (like super glue) they used to close the incision site, was blobbed on me, unnecessarily. And, third, they used me like a napkin – I had derma bond on my shoulder. You could see the person’s finger print as if he/she was getting finger printed for committing a crime. I didn’t take a picture of it but now wish I had.

On a positive note, I wasn’t too sore from the surgery, the dermabond came off quickly and the incision site has healed nicely. The only downside to having the port is that it is sensitive to the touch (Carter bonks it a lot when I burp him) and it hurts to sleep on that side of my body. For whatever reason it irritates my neck. But other than that, I am pretty happy with it.



Picture of the port



Picture of the port in my chest (the picture is turned sideways)

Torture! One of the worse things I think you can do to a women is make her shave her head…

From my first visit with the doctors to discuss my treatment plan, I knew I would lose my hair and have to see my bald head. I remember when the doctor was listing the side effects of the chemo and said “hair loss” that is when I cried for the first time in front of a doctor. When I got up to use the bathroom I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror because I couldn’t imagine myself without hair, eyebrows and eyelashes. It was the first time I felt sorry for myself.

I tried to prepare myself to cut my hair, but I dreaded thinking about it, so didn’t do a very good job preparing emotionally for it. Thanks to my very special friend, Frankie, I had a few wigs (cut and styled just like my hair) and hats ready for the event, but I wasn’t ready for it (the clippers) to shave it all off. Every morning following my first treatment, I would wake up and look at my pillow for chunks of hair. Even though my head hurt really bad, and the doctor told me it would feel better if I cut my hair, I decided I wasn’t going to cut it until it started to fall out on its own. I figured that women go through pain for beauty all the time, what’s one more thing. J My plan was to cut it once it began to fall out, and then donate it to Locks of Love. Lucky for me, it wasn’t until day 18 that my hair started falling out. I remember me panicking when it started because I was in the shower and every time I ran my fingers through my hair small chunks would cover my hands. It was bad enough to where the drain would clog. I knew I needed to stop touching my hair and the time had come for me to cut it.

I was very nervous and concerned how Addi would react to me having no hair so prior to the event, Justin and I talked to her about it quite a bit. Addi understands (at her level) that I have an “ouwie” on my boob and that I have to take medicine to make it go away, so we told her that Mommy won’t have hair for a little while due to the medicine I am taking to help with the “ouwie” on my boob. Surprisingly, Addi responded very well and actually understood. She would say to others, “my mommy isn’t going to have hair and she is going to give it to a little girl who is sick.” I am very thankful with how much she understood and how compassionate she was about it.

While being tortured (cutting my hair) I had Addi in the bathroom with me and Justin. Since I didn’t prepare every well for it emotionally, I cried during the process. Addi recognized it was a difficult time for me so she held my hand and began to remind me that it would come back and that my hair was going to help a little girl. It took a lot out of me, however, I couldn’t help but smile knowing that my baby girl was so compassionate and sensitive. Though it was extremely difficult, it was a happy moment to know that my husband and daughter truly love me for me and don’t look at me different. 

I plan to post pictures of me wearing all the wigs and hats for you to see and maybe I will have the courage to post a picture of my bald head. It took me a week or so to get used to seeing it so I hope it doesn’t freak you out. 

Round 2 of Chemo

About a week after I got my port I had my 2^nd round of chemo. Unlike the first time, this treatment went very smooth. Due to my heart rate dropping during the 1^st chemo treatment, we switched anti-nausea medications from Aloxi to Emend to see if Aloxi was the cause of my low heart rate. Well, it wasn’t the root cause, my heart rate was in the high 30s while I got my port and I did not have any anti-nausea medication in my system. Also when I checked in for my second chemo appointment, my heart rate was in the low 40s (prior to receiving any meds). We are beginning to think that it might just be my new norm and could have potentially been my normal heart rate prior to being pregnant. The good news about my heart is that I don’t have any other symptoms that would cause the doctors to be concerned or stop my chemo treatments.

While sitting in the chemo chair we met a very cool gentleman, age 40, who was diagnosed with a terminal cancer. He has tumors all throughout his body and is on a very strong chemo regiment, so strong he can’t exchange any saliva with anyone for 48 hours after treatments. Even though he knows he may only have a maximum of 3 years left of his life, he had the biggest smile on his face and was very positive about his life. He talked about all of his friends and his brother and how much each of them meant to him. He even told jokes and told us all about his love of being a bus driver for UTA. He is such a kind sole, I hope that we will get to sit next to him again. Also while I was sitting in the chemo chair I got to witness another gentleman ring the victory bell (a bell that you get to ring after your last treatment to celebrate). I was very cool to see, everyone began clapping and cheering for him. I can’t wait for the day I get to ring the bell. 

Side effects…unlike the 1^st round of chemo, this round hit me pretty hard and quick. I began to feel tired on the first day and was very nauseated. I don’t like the Emend as much as the Aloxi, so I will be switching back to Aloxi for the 3^rd treatment. Even though I never throw up, I felt very sick and had to take the strong anti-nausea medication, Larazapam. It knocked me out cold for 12 hours straight. I didn’t even hear Carter in the middle of the night. Luckily Justin was there and took care of the kids. Not only did I feel like I needed to throw up, I could not get my butt out of bed for the first 4-5 days. Even though I would sleep through the night, my body felt like I hadn’t slept in days. All I did was move from the bed to the couch. I hate being so lazy, it is definitely not my personality to lay around all day. In addition, my taste buds changed quickly, nothing tasted good or even sounded good to eat. I began to get a few mouth sores and my fingertips began to get tingly. Also, my least favorite side effect of all is my digestive system got all jacked up again. The reason this side effect sucks so bad is because it lasts the entire time - all 21 days. It does not get a break, ever! 

The doctor told me that as the treatments continue the side effects will get worse and that I will feel more and more tired. I hate hearing that because who wants to be in bed all day, especially when you have two little kids and the weather is so nice that you just want to be outside all day. I want to hear something like, it will only last for 2 days and then you will feel yourself again but since that isn’t realistic, I keep reminding myself - I am putting my body through temporary hell for 4-5 months so I can ensure I have a lifetime of memories. It hasn’t been easy but I know it is all worth it.

I want to say I am looking forward to round 3 because I will be that much closer to being done but honestly, I am really not looking forward to it. The truth is it sucks but I know I will have my good days again soon.

Family Photos 2012

It was very important to me to get family photos done prior to starting Chemo. Due to the wind, it wasn't the best day to have them taken outside but we had no choice since it was the last day of descent weather prior to chemo day. A HUGE thanks to Sharlene (Lemon Tree Lane Photography) for fitting us in to your schedule.

Race for the Cure Event!

I was so excited and looking forward to participating in the race.  Nothing, not even a low heart rate, or all the side effects of chemo were going to stop me from showing up.

On Saturday morning, we had to wake up at 5am in order to get to the race on time. It was very difficult to pull my butt out of bed as I was very tired and feeling quite a bit of the side effects for the first time.

Lovely side effects:

-          Bone aches (back and legs)

-          Scalp itching

-          Dry/yucky taste in the mouth, teeth ached

-          Swollen glands; hard to chew food

It was a bit depressing waking up to such a drastic change and it took me a moment to realize that I was not super-human and my body, just like anyone else on Chemo, was going to experience all the typical side effects. It’s not that I was naïve and didn’t think it would happen to me, I just didn’t expect them all to happen at once and so quickly. The previous days I had felt myself, with the exception of blurred vision and being a little tired. Even though I was feeling a bit off - not myself, I knew I had to pull myself together and get to the race.  

The race was incredible! I was so touched by everyone that was there, especially the members of the Jillybean JetBlue’s Squad. As we began to walk, I looked at all of the people who were walking with me and got this overwhelming feeling of joy and gratitude for each team member. I don’t cry often but I began to cry because I was so touched by each of them (lucky I was wearing sunglasses). There I was experiencing all of the side effects and feeling a bit down but each team member showed me so much love and gave me strength. I was moved by the amount of people who would give up there Saturday morning to be by my side to walk a mile with me.  At that moment, I stopped thinking about myself and the pain I was experiencing and began to enjoy the moment. I will never forget the feeling I had during the walk.  

Thank you all who were part of the team, I am extremely grateful for the memories. I honestly couldn’t have done it without each of you!